Vivant pour le moment

I lie on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, blinking only to indicate that my soul is still within my body. Many pair of eyes look down at me – some curious to know my fate and the rest waiting for their predictions of my fate to come true. I recognize all of them. The doctors, the nurses, the attendants, who were God sent! But not one known face my heart yearned to see, was around.

<FLASHBACK>

Year : 1990

Venue : Karate class

Master : 10 sets of blah blah, 10 reps each. Top it up with 3 rounds of the ground. MAKE IT QUICK!

Me : <collects the jaw which dropped 4 feet down> Yes Sir. < if only he could do the same.. always easier to boss over people.. aaarghhh>

After 25 minutes,

Me : <huff.. puff..> < Damn it.. 10 more steps.. Almost there.. phew.. MADE IT!> Sir, task completed.

Master : Completed? Completed? COMPLETED? You took double the time and look like shit. You have the audacity to say completed? Get back there – 10 more rounds. And you guys, get back inside. Lets start the class.

Irritants : Yes sir. <move their shapely athletic bodies indoors>

Master:  <looks at me> 10 more rounds I said..NOW!

Me : <sigh>

That night, I lie on my end, staring into the starry sky. Alright! This is it! Can’t take this right now. I am gonna have to quit. I can always resume once I am ready for this. But not now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

YEAR 1995:

Venue: Music class

Irritants : Ma’am!! We can’t hear her voice!! It’s lost in the group!!

Ma’am : <beckons the other girls to stop> Yes child. Could you please sing blah blah for me?

Me: <curses.. why me?? > Yes ma’am. <take a deep breath.. ehh.. voice.. voice.. where are you?> <pause> <vocal chords finally function>

Ma’am : No no NO! It’s like this.. <and she sings> <shrill noise tears my eardrums>

Irritants : <look of appreciation>

I encountered giggling eyes for the first time. How can people laugh at me? How can I learn with them? I can always get a better teacher and an even better class when I am ready for this. But not now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

Year: 2000

Venue: Open well

Uncle: I am not gonna let you drown! Move your legs, push the water using your hands and blah blah.

Me: <desperately clinging on to the side of the well, spitting out water> Alright. This is it. I’ve to let go. <help help.. I am drowing!!>

Uncle: Yes! That’s it. Go on!

I open my mouth to cry for help. Water helps itself inside. Okie.. I am gonna drown, succumb to a mad man’s fantasy!

Me: <Oh my God!! Something’s wound around my leg.. Is it a snake? Of course it’s a snake!! Its an open well remember you idiot?  >  <spits water out> HELP!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!

Irritants: <flapping their precious little limbs in water and effortlessly floating around me!>

Gosh! This is suicide! I can’t learn to swim this way! Not with bloody hooligans around me! Actually, I do not need to learn swimming. I would be rescued by some strong pair of arms in case I were to drown! <dreams> Alright. So I don’t need to do it now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

Year: 2005

Venue : College

My heart beat rising when I see him. The college stud has more girls hovering over him than flies over sweets! I was in a dilemma. Should I or should I not? What if he shoots me down? Why will he like me?  Even worse, what if he “sympathy” likes me? AArrgghh..

Dream boy : Hey beautiful! How you doing?

Irritant: <blushes>

BAAAANNGG.. <heart breaks>

Dream boy: Game for some coffee and blah blah?

Irritant: Sure!

Me: <atleast she should’ve cleared the drool!>

Alright! I got bummed down even before I took a step. Guess I am not there yet. Surely there will be a time when I will be desired. It’ll take time. It can’t happen right now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

Year: 2010

Venue: Home

Familia: We need to talk. Blah blah

Me: Later. I am busy.

Familia: Why don’t you spend time with us?

Me: I most definitely will. You’re my family. But give me sometime please. I am preoccupied.

Familia: Alright. We can’t take this anymore. You’ve to choose – your work or us.

Me: Look. This is a big deal. Any other time, I would have chosen you. But right now….

I am sure they’ll come back once they realize how their behavior is totally uncalled for! I’ve other important things to cater to. I can always lure them back anytime I want. But not now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

<Back to present>

Each breath I take is more painful than the previous one. A pain caused by my indifference to the “right time”. As I was staring into face of death, I asked myself “How can this be? This was not meant to happen now! NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.”

Suddenly I heard a voice. “This is time. Never right or wrong. Just plain simple time.”

I was scared. Had my body finally perished?

Voice went on “ I am time. I wait for no one. People call me money. They say its all about me. They say I am never on their side. They race against me. But I am bigger than everything and everyone. I AM LIFE. I belong to them, who value me.”

Truth of my life was staring me in my face. My whole life was like a motion picture. All through my life I had been scared of the “blah blah”. Now thinking of it, “blah blah” doesn’t even make any sense! And I was scared of something so senseless and baseless all my life!

Every time a challenge was put it front of me, what did I do? Watched intently as the “irritants” successfully completed it before me. Then made excuses as to why I can’t or why I shouldn’t take it up! Who were these irritants? Were they even for real? What made them seem bigger than they were? My fear fueled them.

Over time the fear converted to inability and inability, to a reason. The reason found words - NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME. And I QUIT.

As I count my last few breaths, I think of things I could’ve done, things I should’ve done – followed my dreams, did things people termed “silly” or “difficult” or “insane”. I crave for that special touch. But I have no one. For they were long gone, long lost in time. Time didn’t wait for me, nor did they.

How many times have we lost out on things we could have done, things we should have done, things that required to get done just coz we got lazy, scared or disheartened to make that “one” attempt, give it “one more shot”.

Voice was right. There was no right time. Had I spared sometime to listen to this voice earlier, I would probably be  singing the sweet song of life, fought my offenders, swam against those menacing waves to bring myself back to safety of the shore. If not any of these, I would’ve at least been spending my life in arms of the man I loved, surrounded by people who loved me…I close my eyes, for the last time. Time's run out. So has life..

P.S : The most precious time of life is always, RIGHT HERE.. RIGHT NOW. Live life every single moment.. that's the only way you'll find yourself some day...

I me myself

What have you done to make your day special? Have you brought a smile of someone's face? Have you been a reason for someone's joy? Have you shared someone's sorrow? Have you done your good deed for the day?
Phew.. so much for all the "fundas" of "serving people" or "being a go-giver". But have you ever wondered, why can't that "someone" be the image you see in the mirror?

The concept of "ME" has long vanished (surprising but true!). In fact, when was the last time you took yourself seriously, listened to that little voice from within and followed you heart? When was the last time you did something to please only you - not your friends, not your colleagues..ONLY YOU. Somehow seems a distant memory!

When we were kids, we ruled the world. We made castles of sand by the shore, turning a deaf ear to everyone who told us it would be washed in the next wave? The wave did come and take away most of our castle. But that never stopped us from getting to work again! Why? Is it coz we wanted to challenge the sea? Or is it coz we wanted to prove a point to people who snubbed us? NO!!! It was just coz castles of sand made us HAPPY! Its quite strange that a concept this clear to a child is like a blurred image to an adult.

As we grew up, we got caught in a social dance. Everyone pushing everyone buttons and the dancing to each other's tunes. Thus, began the concept of dependency. Ooopss.. I mean "giving".


People are so caught in the social dance of "giving" intentionally or unintentionally, that anyone who refuses to join them is termed as selfish. Dreamers, visionaries, achievers were all considered selfish, till their dreams gave life to the society. It was only then "selfish" was deciphered as "selfless". It's kinda weird how "convenience" runs society.


It is indeed very convenient to forget how selfless is "less of self".

As for me, Yes, I AM SELFISH. Although I do wanna give and I most definitely wanna serve, I also believe in  "Charity begins at home!" So why not start with making myself happy? Why not give the wonderful gift of living to myself? Why not do bring a smile on my face? Why not look at the mirror and feel ecstatic that I am me? 

Life is indeed very beautiful, when I share it with ME.

Je ne peux

" I wanna open a beauty parlor when I grow up!! " My eyes gleamed, as I ran the comb through my Ma's hair.
"Silly kid" they said. "Do you really think you can? "
I continued to display my talent in return of minimal or no acknowledgement. I couldn't care less. I was happy and I had only myself to please. I lived in my world, a world of infinite possibilities. A world where "what I am", "what I wanna be"  and "what I can be" are one single entity.

Few years later..

"I wanna be a doctor!"

"Silly kid" they said. "Do you really think you can ? "

"I think I can!!" <wonder> or can I? But why do they think I can't? <shrug> 

Guess there are only finite possibilities in my world. A world where "what I am" and "what I can be" are different from "what I wanna be". Must be true. They can't be lying.

This was the first time I encountered Mr Doubt. And little did I know, this was just the beginning.

Few years later..


"I wanna be an astronaut!!" 
"Silly kid" they said."Do you really think you can? "
"Probably not.. but i could give it a shot.." <sigh> <wonder> why waste time.. they anyways think I can't!
Now my world has restricted number of possibilities -"what I am" is definitely not "what I can be" and "what I wanna be" is long lost.
I am now "comforted" by Mr Doubts better half, Mrs Fear. "Don't worry" she says, "You are not alone. We're with you. By the way lemme introduce you to our son, Failure."


Few years (and a lot of wasted options) later..
"Silly kid" they said."Do you really think you can? "
"They are still not happy" <wonder> I haven't done anything they didn't think I should do!! Why am I still alone? Why are they not with me? <tears> My world was shattered.


What had changed? My world.
Who changed it? They did.
Did they change? <silence> They didn't accept me then, they don't accept me now. They hadn't changed.


What is it about us, which craves for love and acceptance from the whole world but from the one person it matters the most. How can we listen to the entire world whilst turning a deaf ear to our heart? What makes "others" opinion about us sacred? What makes us walk dead?
About time we head home. Home is where the heart is.. a place from where we started, a place where heart ruled, a place where we mattered for who we are.. A place where they ask me "Do you really think you can ? " and i reply "YES, I CAN"

Dirty secrets

The below story is based on a real life incident. Reader discretion advised.


He was looking at me. A glance that conveyed more than concealed. Harmless flirting or a diabolic intention - I wouldn't know. What runs in his head is tough to gauge.. After all even Joey Tribbiani says " when the package is pretty, no one cares whats inside!!"


I look at him, I recognize the lust. I look away, his glance bores a hole in my body! Any other day, I would've swore that I had nothing to do with someone like him. Any other day, I wouldn't let him within 10 yards of me. Any other day, this sensuous fragrance of his, wouldn't be driving me crazy. Any other day....Its too late now. Its TODAY. 


He's shattered my defenses. Were they always this weak? Or is it just him making me weak in my knees? Our eyes meet. Is this an invitation? He continues looking at me menacingly. Come into my arms, he tells me. I am helpless. I am begging for help, pleading to be rescued.


 I know you want me as much, cut the crap..


I am captivated. I move towards him. STOPPP.. something inside me screeches!! But senses stopped responding since the first time I lay my eyes on him.


Take me in.. he commands!! My eye lids close giving into ecstasy, surrendering to my enemy.


P.S : The above describes an affair between Mr Italian cheese and a health conscious freak, in Little Italy. 


Moral : In case of no weight loss, drown your sorrows in CHEESE!

To be or not to be

 Life's toughest decisions are not those that take a long time to make but those whose repercussions are felt for a long time.


Would I have been happier had I tread on rough paths? Would I be contended had I taken a path less walked on? - would be a few questions you ask yourself. Life's mysticism will ensure that these questions remain questions forever. Before looking at the "big picture" first see if there is a picture at all!


Mistakes can be classified in 2 categories - the ones you make and the ones you don't. The former can always be amended, but the latter, you will never know...

Première

SCENE 1:

Idle mind : Being unconventional is striking! I wanna get out of the rut and do something I really wanna do!!!

Devil : What do you really wanna do??

Idle mind : <PAUSE> Something that I really like doing!

Devil : What do you like??

Idle mind : <LONG PAUSE> <SOFT VOICE> I don't know!

Devil : How about starting off by writing a blog?? 

Idle mind : BLOG?? and me??? I can't write to save my life (or anybody else's) No blogging for me.. PERIOD!

SCENE 2 : 

Idle mind : What am I doing with my life? Feeding off people's short comings is not exactly the kinda life I wanted to live!!! 

Devil : What do you wanna do in you life?

Idle mind : <PAUSE> < AGGRESSION> I DON'T KNOW! <LONG PAUSE> I like writing though.. Kinda sets in some amount of much needed peace. 
Devil : You could become a free lance journalist! You could start writing a blo..... 
Idle mind : <INTERRUPTS> But how can I write? Also, I don't have what it takes to be there! CHUCK!
Devil : <SIGHS> 
Idle mind : So.. what else???

SCENE 'N': (Scenes 3- N-1 left to readers imagination!)

Idle mind : I am down with an "I don't wanna go to office on a Monday" fever. In fact I think I am down with an "I hate my work" syndrome! Too conventional a path to be trekked by moi! I need a change!!!
Devil : Change huh?? How about aerobics?
Idle mind : Naahh.. Knee pain.
Devil : Gym?
Idle mind : I hate gym!
Devil : Yoga?
Idle mind : Too slow!
Devil : Jog?
Idle mind : Early in the morning?? <HORRIFIED>
Devil : Dance?
Idle mind : I will need a partner <FLUTTERS EYE LASHES>
Devil : NEVER MIND! How about blogging???
Idle mind : <THINKS OF EXCUSES> .. <STILL THINKING>.. <EXCUSES.. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU??> Phew.. <GIVE IN> alright alright.. I can give it a shot you know!
Devil : <PUNCHES HIS FIST IN THE AIR>  


Hence the proverb, "Idle mind is a devil's workshop"!


Phew...And I thought writing my first post would be a challenge!!! 


Mesdames et Messieurs, je présente Shubha Holla!! Welcome to my world!