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Saturday, November 29, 2014

One liners much?

So I complete one more year in this hell hole. Over the years I have met some atrocious managers and severely challenged co-workers! Yup, I have been lucky more often than not! Small compilation of things I have had the good fortune to be at the receiving end of!

1. "You have put on weight". Yes, meat-head. Working with little twerps like you makes me hungry. Now shut up else I won't have to look further for my next meal!


2. "There are no "Good" girls around in office". Hmm. They just left to get you a full-length mirror coz you know, we think it would do you some good!


3. "There are no "Good" men in office."  Yes darling, we don't live in Hollywood. You won't find "The Rock". Learn to make do with the little pebbles thrown here and there!


4. "People don't speak good English here."  Yes Ms Britan, now can you repeat that slowly and in English if possible so that the rest of us can understand what you just regurgitated?


5. "You need to treat us! Let's party!!" Definitely! Coz I work hard to blow my money on undeserving nincompoops! Now, stop talking and help me remove your existence from my brain! And please, stop salivating around me!


6.  "Why are you still here? Your talent is wasted in this company" Really? I would remain a dumb blonde had it not been for your insights! And get me that job at Nat Geo, will you?


7. "You are 25 and unmarried? Why?" Well.. Coz of men like you, maybe?


8. "You are 28! You should have a baby now!" Sure and you just keep your semen in check!


9. "You are a junior resource. You should be more flexible." Bitch please.


10. "You are a senior resource. You should be more understanding ." Bitch please.


11. "You are a valuable resource to this project" As valuable as your last fart. Better out than in!

12. "You have been here for so long! You must be earning a lot!" In millions! I just come here to counsel shit heads like you.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Jobbing Blobbing

One more day, I tell my tired body. It's almost mid of the week and before you know it, its time to live your life Queen style, I console myself. Come Friday, all the miseries would be swept under the rug and that stunning smile will be back on, for real. As you see when I have to console myself, I leave no stones unturned.

You know something is not right when you have to bulldoze yourself out of bed everyday, travel to what might as well be a different city, clock overtime doing something you detest, smile at people who make your blood boil.... as you see I have had a FINE day at office!


Working in a place that threatens to eat you alive? Kill me if you haven't experienced any of this for real!


1. Your faith in the saying "Don't argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience" finds a new dimension of belief. Having an argument with your boss? Your colleague making you regret your birth? Breathe.. Really it works.. one way or the other! You need one long breath to collect all your strength from your core and land a punch on their nose! Kidding.. (or not!) Or just one deep breath and walk away. It's heroic. Trust me. Plus you don't want to spend a lot of time in "idiot" zone now, do you?


2. You realize you are supremely talented and your work involves pretty much 0% of it. Hmm.. lets see. I write. I sing. I brighten people's lives! (ok, the last point may be an exaggeration. Alright, the first 2 may as well be not entirely true. You get the drift!) But I am no author, singer or a shrink! (God knows, I could really use one!) What do I do instead? I take peanuts for salary and dumb myself down for 9 hours.  Oh God! Forgive me, for I have sinned!


3. People come to you for career advise and end up judging you for being in the industry for as long as you have! Alright, don't judge me for my position in this God forsaken organization! If I could, I would make slaves out of some of the gems I have had good fortune working for/ with/ under ! (or not, I am against slavery, more so coz I don't appreciate sloppiness!)  Live and let live bitches!


4. You watch, very painfully I might add, oscar winning performances of your managers. Ever been in the situation where you are being fed bull crap about how management cares for you? I somehow don't remember much coz in my head I am in a happy place and I am really hurting them bad! Well.. you know they have to pay right? Since making them pay in reality may end you on streets or in your parents basements, you go that happy place in your head! Now, where's my whip!



5. You watch, again if I may add, with extreme agony, the corporate suck ups climb the ladder. (or  should I say air lifted!) Hmm.. I need my scalpel and scissors please. Noses to be surgically removed from asses! Oh, did I forget to mention this blog sometimes could be rated R? Read on punk!


6.  Most ladies come to either only discuss family woes (kids, kins anything that involves emotions.. coz you know you are.. well.. a shrink!) or display their atrocious fashion sense. Most men come to either ogle at such bimbos or provide a pathetic excuse for a shoulder to cry upon! Now, now, don't get me wrong! There are people who diligently work, but this post is to honor them, by not discussing their boring, unappreciated life!



7. Your spouse finds the need to be paid for the extra hours he/ she chalks out from his/ her busy schedule. It's like providing you the local anesthesia that will push you through the day, only to find the pain raging its ugly head within a matter of 24 hours! (Baby, I love you and thanks for all your advise that has kept people alive and away from my fury. High time you start billing my company!)


8. Employers think the job is given as a favor to you like they ran out of change when they caught you begging in the middle of nowhere and gave you a job instead of loose change! So working overtime or weekends is expressing gratitude to their unworthy positions! So put your personal lives out of the window and well.. umm.. bend over? (Rated R remember?)


9.  Indians don't believe in making mistakes. No, don't get me wrong. They make loads of them! But they just don't believe in accepting them as much as they believe in covering them. Everyone is given one chance to make a mistake. After that people catch you by your hands/ legs/ balls/ whatever and train you to cover them up. You know, like how you train your dog to cover up its poop.. wait.. don't you? I won't know, I am a cat person!


10. Threaten to quit!  Last and most definitely the most lethal - you want something that you actually deserve but isn't been given to you coz of well.. your inefficiency in ass kissing? Threaten to quit! No, you won't quote me on this. I have been a silent witness of this chess move and I know it kicks ass. But if you have an iota of self esteem, you would steer clear of it.


Phew, boulders off my chest! As you have guess by now - just another day in my life. Put me through misery or put me through joy, the writer in me promptly stands up and says "Ahoy"!













Sunday, June 29, 2014

Getting hitched?

Alright people! I am back! This post has been in the wings for almost 2 months now! I simply can't find a better time than this - 1:00 am on a sunday, just 4 days before I marry my knight in a shining armor! As I look back at my life so far, a life with the best set of parents one could ever ask for, 2 sets of relatives (can't thank God enough for that now, can I!!!), an awesome set of friends, lot of good luck and enriching experiences. Yup, that sums it all so far! As I count days for my new adventure to begin, I am glad I got to check every single item listed below:

1. Live in a foreign country by yourself for at least a year
Living in your home country, you are always spoilt for choices. You know what to do, where to go, whom to contact to get things done. Well, if you don't then you'll always know someone who can help you out! All easy equals no fun! Starting your life from the scratch in a foreign country? Now we are talking!

Why at least a year you ask? Well, thats about the time frame when you transform from a tourist to visitor to an almost local! When people start asking you for directions, you know you belong there! (even if you can't help them out!) The confidence that living alone gives you - unparalleled.


2. Travel
Travel is big for me. It should be, for everyone! I mean come on, doesn't it kill you to know that there are at least a million places on God's green earth that deserve a visit - a task that no one will every be able to complete. But hey, no harm getting started now, is there?


3. Understand and respect different culture
I am an Indian. We don't wear bikinis or indulge in casual relations. (YA RIGHT!) Now that I am done lying, I think its high time we shed inhibitions about different cultures and invest some time understanding them. You don't have to follow them if you don't like, but if you look closely there are always similarities that bond all of us together! You learn so much more about your roots and the clouds hovering your judgement tend to float away!


4. Make friends (too easy?) of different nationalities! (still easy and a lot more fun!)
I was surprised to see how intrigued people are about knowing "how things work back home". (I am personally gonna stab someone if I had to explain a hindu wedding process/ drama for the nth time!) But hey, when you have an american, a Mexican, a Japanese and an Indian at a table, other than a recipe for an almost perfect joke you indulge in conversations you never knew you were capable of!


5. Strengthen relations
In the super sonic speed of today's life, everything is secondary - health, family and pretty much everything is a far second to work and the money it brings along. Just remember, no one on the death bed ever thinks "I should have done more overtime at office". The main regret remains not spending enough time with people who matter. Pick up that phone, call a friend from college/ school/ work/a language class you might have taken, who at one point meant something to you but slowly got erased midst the pile of money you began collecting! Build new relations and strengthen the existing ones.


6. Fall in love
This one's my favorite. Fall in love at least once, with a person who truly deserves you and understands your worth. Give it all you got coz if the person is indeed you Ms/ Mr Right, you'll not regret it one bit. If not, you are one step closing to finding him/ her as you now have to encounter one less!


Monday, April 7, 2014

March Madness at MONDAY NIGHT RAW

It's been almost 2 years since I have been in the US of A - Mind, Body and soul. I LOVE it. But it surely is gonna take me much more than that to get used to certain terminologies here. March madness, for one! Before I could type the next line, I did google the term to ensure I don't goof up the game. I am an Indian. So I would be damned if I as much as gathered information on any sport that's not cricket! (Apologies to all the soccer.. oopss.. football fanatics who share the same birth country as your's truly!) March madness is an annual college basketball tournament in the US conducted in March (no surprises there!) But this post has absolutely nothing to do about basketball (Remember? All hail cricket!)

I have always been a late starter! So it wasn't until my college years I picked up a new interest - professional wrestling or what people usually relate to better - sports entertainment. Super athletic men with long hair and brash attitude, flexing their muscles, beating each other with chairs, putting people through tables, jumping off the ladders and boy, was I hooked! After all that's what real men do right?

I remember going to WWE RAW tour of India - 2002, in Bangalore. With the cheapest tickets a college kid could afford, I gate crashed into one of the "expensive" sections and stood sticking to the barricade for as long as the show lasted. It was a miracle, it was God sent. My wrestlers were in front of me. Ric Flair had just called Bangalore a sweaty place filled with flies. With HHH standing by his side, I wouldn't mind buzzing around for a lifetime! That very day I knew, I had to watch a MONDAY NIGHT RAW live in the US. It's just one of those things I had to do and no excuses would be acceptable.

Fast forward 12 years. I enter the US colesium in Bloomington, IL. I take a moment to look around and fight back tears. I was finally there. I was about to watch my first ever wrestling event in the US. I stood in the line to buy WWE merchandises. This was my day. I was going to let myself go, dress myself in attires that would  probably leave my poor mom thinking, "Where did I go wrong with her?". With my "Hounds of Justice" t-shirt, CM-Punk wrist band and a Daniel Bryan foam finger, I was going to rule the next 3 hours of my life! (Just for the record, Dolph Ziggler, no girl has ever screamed your name so loud and for so long - no one -EVER! ) I finally got a pic of lifetime next to a steel cage. I was riding high on my dreams and no stopping me there! But it was all just getting started!

The next day, there I was, even more excited (like that was even possible). I was like this little kid, who was visiting a circus, the only difference being, my circus comprised of some really well built, occasionally spandex covered animals! I hadn't met a single person in my daily life who would admit watching WWE. I thought of all the times people rebuked me for my choice. "You know that it's all fake right?", I have been asked. Well, people, if you get your heads out of your rear ends, you'll know it's as real as a movie. Low temperatures and extreme wind wouldn't deter any one of us standing outside, maintaining a hawk's eye view of the parking lot, hoping one of our superstars would drive by!

Finally, there I was, along with close to 18000 wrestling fanatics. I looked around me, basking in the glory of what my life had unfolded, I knew I belonged there. I was so overwhelmed, border lining inebriated state!
Seeing my heroes, live and loaded, flesh, blood and bones, was an experience I am yet to sink into my blood stream! It took over a decade, but it did come true. My dream of being associated with something so special had come true.


P.S: If you don't give up on your dream, your dreams will never give up on you.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A walk in Chiberia..

Alright, time to get started with this post. This post has been in the wings for over a week now. The Chicago river has begun unfreezing, hinting it's about time I came out with this post!

I spent the last 5 minutes reading up about Polar Vortex, coz, well... that's what we experienced in Chicago a week back! After reading and re-reading the first line on Polar Vortex in wikipedia, I conclude - I don't understand and I probably don't give a crap! This is going to be about my first hand experience in the great white land (Oh wait! Isn't that Canada? Well.. I don't care! Do you?). After all that's the very reason why I decided to pull off  a death defying stunt? Normally, the stunt is called "walking" but when you decide to bundle yourself up and walk in -26C it sort of becomes death defying. Don't you think?

It all started in last week of December. Chilling in Seattle, fiddling with my phone and what do I see? Weather forecast for Chicago! I am still trying to make sense of the conversion between Celsius and Fahrenheit. So when I see -15 on my screen I need to be very certain before I feel uncomfortable. What???, you ask. Well, my friends, this is my second winter in Chicago. So -15C is 5F and anything that's above 0F is.. let's say, bearable? I mean come on, you are not gonna lose your toes! Well.. unless of course you aren't warmly dressed/ don't take unnecessary walks/ stay indoors as much as you can etc etc.. you know - bottom line your toes are YOUR responsibility. Take care! Now, where were we?

OK, -15. My eyes drop to the bottom of the screen. Oh ya baby, it read F. Alarm bells were about to ring. Re-read, brain instructed. -15 F is freaken insane! It hasn't been that cold in over 2 decades! It's still F. F for, you ask? FREAKEN UNIMAGINABLY COLD! My heart silently wept and body threatened to give up a week in advance! This can't be happening to me!

A week later, all weather websites issue red alert on 01/06/2014. Hypothermia and frost bite warnings (you thought I was kidding about losing fingers?) A chill of excitement runs down my spine. I GOTTA EXPERIENCE THIS FIRST HAND! I got to write about this epic day and I can't write unless I have the first hand experience now, can I?

I wake up at 9:00 am. My eyes open to a sunny day, a VERY sunny day. Damn it! My office folks let me work from home coz of the weather! It can't possibly be -26C outside! The weather guys got it so wrong! It's already 9:00, by the time I get to work it'll be noon! Hang on, my groggy brain says. I check the weather. Viola! -26C it is. Yes people, sun in Chicago has no relevance what so ever to the temperature. It rains while its sunny, you freeze but its sunny. So as you see, sun is just a piece of decorative light!

Usually I dress based on the little people I see from the 34th floor view I get from my window. That day, I see 2 people through out the day. Thinking about it, I am pretty sure it was the same person walking around!

It's time for my evening walk. I gather my cavalry and gear up - a pair of thermals, heavy duty sweater, down jacket, 2 pair of socks, 2 pair of gloves, head band to cover ears, muffler, woolen cap to top it up. I might as well be at war with a polar bear!

I step out and think - this is not that cold! I am not sure if that thought ever reached completion or a gush of cold wind stopped that action from happening. My nasal hair stood in attention, respecting the super low temperature. I am pretty sure they were frozen for a bit until I decided to cover my nose, which was now alarmingly pink in color! There I stood, midst all the snow, with only two dark eyes staring at the world. As I walked from one shop to other, I lost counts on how many times the wind effectively changed my course!

The call to go back home was taken when my eyebrows hurt like they were being pierced from inside. (ya people, that happens, I swear on myself!) As I looked into the mirror on returning, I see a pink face staring back at me. Not the kinda pink one would like on their face, but hey, I didn't have a say on this!

Now most of you may think, this was completely uncalled for. But you haven't completely experienced Chicago unless you have experienced its winter! This may as well be my most adventurous walk EVER!

This was my coldest night in Chicago and hopefully the coldest night ever! The first time in 20 years the temperature dipped that low and when it did - I WAS THERE!

P.S: Good work on "Chiberia" TOI. You'll always be the most entertaining paper ever!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Well.. Hello 2014!!!

The day began like any other normal day. But how can there be anything normal about 31st December! This represents a day when people retrospect every breath they have taken in the past year. Suddenly one feels -  its already that time of the year??? Their heart begins to swell with the burdens of unaccomplished dreams while their mind fills itself with resolutions for the new year. "You will lose weight", it says while the swollen heart hides a smirk!

A lot of thoughts floated in my head. A major part of me wanted this year to end. No one has any control over the past. What's done is done. You can look back at life with grief or fond memories. End of the day, its not gonna matter! I guess that's the main reason I look forward to the new year. I still have the power to make it matter. One more year to live my life, one more year to fly high, one more year till its the next year!

Walking on the Elliot trail in Seattle, I thought back about how 2013 unfolded itself to me. All the while, I wanted it to end. I wanted a new start. I wanted a blank slate. Suddenly a lot of memories filled me. I wasn't thinking about my bad knee, sore throat or the numerous health problems that raised their dirty heads in my life in the past year.

As I walked the port of Seattle, I knew my life had shaped exactly how I dreamed it would. New cities, new people, new cultures, new experiences - NEW EVERYTHING! From Texas Rodeo to White House, high energy of Gatlinburg to serenity of Seattle, simplicity of the Amish to craziness of SFO, hurricane at Niagara to the filling yet emptiness of the Pacific Ocean, drop dead beauty of Big Sur , hip hop hikes of Indiana, street dancing at Greek festival - phew. And I am just getting started!

It's been over a year since I moved out to explore the world on my own. I feel successful. I feel liberated. A big chunk of the credit goes to the wonderful people I am lucky to have in my life. One crack pot just entered my room wanting to read my thoughts this late in the night. Weird, you say? Blessed, I say! Memories and experiences are the most precious gifts one would ever have. People form a very important part of both. Fill your life with people you love, life would love you back ten fold.  You can never have enough of goodness in your life! I reiterate this at every given opportunity, I love you guys!

As I look 2014 in the eye, I know it's gonna be one hell of a ride. A lot of uncertainties, a lot of opportunities and a lot of travel! My throbbing feet feel like they have walked a hundred miles today. But I know they are eager to run towards 2014, a year where personal accomplishments out shine the rest, a year which would mark a new life ahead, a year which would raise the bar for years to come, a year where my new dreams begin. Welcome 2014.