Closure

How long does it take for a heart to heal? Few days, few weeks, few months or few years?  What is it about a certain people that you tend to trust them with your life? You overlook a mob of people who actually genuinely wanna be a part of your life, even if its in a trivial way. But give all the powers to those who are hell bent on misusing it? How is it that the love of the former is always a suffering and suffering from the later, love? Why is it that the victim endures all the agony and the culprit walks away free? These questions can definitely have no concrete answer.

There is indeed no solid path that can fasten the healing of a broken heart. Every tried and tested path has implications that may not particularly suit your cause. Sometimes it is as simple as you evaluating the situation, learning your lessons well and moving forward. Where as sometimes, the damage is so deep, that all you can feel is plain distrust and pain.
Your heart throws a barrage of questions to your brain - "How could he?" "How could you trust someone blindly?" "Was I wrong or was I wronged?"
 Brains pulls out - Easy!!! It was all your fault! You throbbed for him not me!!!

Whole world is now topsy turvy! You were promised to be comforted in warmth of solid arms, assured of a gentle touch to wipe the tears of your face, guaranteed never ending love and support. Then the times did get bad. Warmth was long gone, it got bloody cold. Apparently, you were too good for him! Tears just strolled down your cheek, with no one to wipe it off. Support collapsed, love was lost. With no will to live, you kept surviving in hope that he would get back. He probably did come back. But this time he wasn't alone. Tears blinded you from seeing who his accomplice was, but you now you knew, your chapter was closed (probably even before it started!). No explanations given, no hint thrown, it was just a cruel hit and run case!

Been years since you were played with. You were marooned in a sorry state when someone did hold your hand. He got you out of the quick sand, healed you with love. Taught you how to trust, kissed life into you.  Does it still hurt? Most likely, your answer you be "Eh.. no.. actually, I don't even wanna think about the past" So I consider it a point blank YES.

Relationships are really weird. The ones you think matter to you, die a slow death and you couldn't be bothered much! It's the one that you think you can come out off, kill you one breath at a time. The only answer to the suffering would be a CLOSURE. The more you run away from your fears, the more lead they get over you. So in the process of avoiding them, your heading for a head-on collision with them.

They say time heals? But does is it so? Even after years, if you are still clinging on the pain unleashed on you, how can you claim to be healed? You may now have a wonderful partner, but how can you be contended with what you have until you let go of what you thought belonged to you but doesn't! In every relationship that was a part of history but couldn't make it to the future, closure is the most important aspect. You need to ensure that there is nothing hanging in the air, no words that should have been spoken but weren't, no chapters that weren't ended and sure as hell, no skeletons in the closet. Save your tears for those who really matter.

Closure ensures you are set free. Life is like a book. You need to end one chapter to get into the next, else your life is wasted on just the introductions! It is scary, it is a daunting task. But no one told you it would be easy. The one who did is no longer with you! If you have someone to read the following chapters with, you need to get through with the previous one. Once you are out of it, you know you are in safe arms. Embrace your new life, sail through a new journey.

P.S : I love you my sailor!

Across boundaries

Devil : Everyone dreams!

Moi : < condescending > I am not everyone. 

Devil : It's a natural process. Every single person has a dream. Whether he follows it or not is secondary.

Moi : What's the point in not following a dream, if you have one! There you go. Hence established I am better off!

Devil : Isn't there anything that you really wanted from life?

Moi : Yup. I did and I have him now! <flutters eyelashes>

Devil : Isn't there more you would wanna have?

Moi : Hmmmm.. I would. But it would almost be like a miracle if I were to get them!

Devil : And you of all the people don't believe in miracles???

Moi : If I didn't, I wouldn't know what to call you!

Devil : And your life ends here? You don't wanna add anything more to it? Isn't there anything that you would wanna make happen??

<thunderbolts> < lightning > EPIPHANY!

One sure shot way of getting me to do something is to challenge my abilities! Perhaps, I know no boundaries then. My conversations with the devil have always left me thinking "Let's push those boundaries!" There are things about yourself that you won't probably discover until someone shoves it down your throat! I am no different!

My latest learning about myself - I love challenges! (quite contrary to my earlier beliefs!) I've never really been the "I gotta win this competition" types. (Devil readily disagrees!) I've never really fought for things. If they come my way I accept them, if they don't well.. too bad for them! Guess, my normal state of existence can be summed up as "complacence".

It is only off-late that I realized, the parts of my life where I was full of life, exuding unparalleled enthusiasm and zeal, was when I challenged my (perceived) limits. 

"You can't give a speech in front of so many people!" Just watch me, will you. 

The applauds did shut up the critics!

"You cannot make it to the top level in the cabinet! Be grateful if you even made it to the cabinet!" Won't you say hi to the new president guys??

Open mouths did shut with the sound of a resounding slap!

"You can't top in anything!" And the proficiency prize goes to Shubha Holla. Ehh.. I hear no noise from you guys? Did I stun the living day lights out of you?

"You didn't get the job" 2 days, 2 companies later. "You got the job!" (company being bigger and badder (just the way I like it!) than both the earlier companies put together!)

"You can't quit this job! You have nothing in hand and no where to go!" I did quit the job, world was my playground!

"Your life is ruined! Who'll give you work now?" Boy! I am making almost double the money!

Enough said! All my actions, which involved defying rules, breaking free from the tradition or pushing the boundaries has always filled me up with life! If anything, according to me, qualifies to be unattainable, becomes my motive in life! Sadly though, there aren't a lotta things that come in that category! (so much for the positiveness in life!)

Truth is indeed stranger than fiction. While the rest of the world categorizes a lot of things under "the unattainable" and avoids them like plague ; I believe most of them can be attained, so no fun in following them! As twisted as the logic is, works perfectly sound in my case! 

Some of the epiphanic moments of my life have occurred during conversations with the devil. Sometimes, it's so much more important for another person to show you the mirror! (ya.. my kick-ass reflection doesn't let me concentrate if there is no nagging voice backing me up!)

I still can't paint a picture of my perfect life. But what I do know, is what makes my life worth living. New people, new experience, new learning and most importantly new un-learning! I can finally accept, what's poison for the world is chocolate for me! (I hate spinach!).

Past few days have been nothing less than new forbidden delicious chocolates! ( with a bit of weight control, the chocolates are worth succumbing too!) The twisted logic of mine does propel me to the “forbidden” zones. Surprise surprise.. look what I found there 

LIFE!!!!!

P.S : The only sensible thing to do with boundaries is to push them. - Sir Richard Branson

Silence

I have never liked the word "silence". It's not something I associate with peace. I've always been scared of silence coz as far as I am concerned, it almost always translates to pain. All the hues and cries that manage to catch people's attention is just tip of the iceberg. Greatest of sufferings are always locked in the deeper darker part of the heart. No amount of love and patience can set them free, especially when the defenses are this high.

I've always wondered, about the types of masks people adorn. More often than not, a smile conceals a tear ; laughter conceals fear; louder the sound of it, more pain it conceals. All this boils down to a very simple principle - if you wanna hide something from someone, place it in their line of sight. In all possibility, they would overlook!

I've tried almost every mask available in the market.

The Smiley : "You have an amazing smile", they say. Oh yeah? There you go. I made your day. Now get out of my face!

The Frowny : "Cheer up! I got something for you. You'll feel better" I am gonna throw up!

The Thinker : "You seemed to be engrossed in something. Won't you share the secret!" I am freak-en sharing my life in more nonsensical ways than I can imagine! That should suffice!

The Bubbly one : "Wow! You are one chirpy thing" Oh yeah baby.. wait til I chew your head right off!

The Quite one : "Oh.. what happened dear?Why aren't you talking? You know, you look so much more better in your old bubbly self" Don't you dare call me old!

.

.

.

.

and many more..

But somehow, the one thing all these masks successfully conceal is silence - silence of the heart. No one has enough time to look that deep and call you on it. Even when it's staring them right in the face, it gets unnoticed with the game show of masks happening around it!

"I wan't you to tell me what's wrong", they say. Silence does speak louder than words. I will not say a word. It is not a victory. It just means that I will suffer in silence.

Back to back

25/05/2008, Bike trip to win back lost love

Vroooooooooooom.. vroom vroom.. Scrreeeechhh
<several feet above the seat and crash landing on it>
OUUUUUCCCCHHHH
I had definitely hurt something. What was it, I couldn't say. It was all numb. Teary eyes, anxious voices around me. "Are you alright?" "Does it hurt" "We can head back if you want" "Lets cancel the trip right away"

Thinking sane, my answer should have been "Chuck the trip, its not my love that's lost!". But after being in mid-air for a couple of seconds and having a not so soft landing on my delicate posterior had driven my sanity outta my pretty head! "Naaahh.. I am good, LETS GO!" (Still hear these words in my nightmare!)

27/05/2008, Just out of my bath


I hear voices "What happened?" "How did this happen?" "Put her back on the bed". Then I hear the loudest of them all - AAAAAHHHH.. <damn!!! what happened? why am i crying??> Holy shit!! my back hurts!!! Ohh... STOP!!! STOP IT! HELP!!!

A month and a MRI scan later.

"You have a minor case of disc de-generation", the doc says. <I have a what???>
"Nothing to worry" <ya right.. did you even listen to yourself?? Not just one but TWO of my discs!! nothing to worry my arse!>
"You don't need bed rest" <and you call yourself a doctor???>
"Just some physiotherapy and strengthening. It'll be good!" <who?? me or your pocket?>

A year, few months in the gym and more pain later.

"You have nothing to worry." <oh yeah? Is that what you would be telling your daughter?"
"You have to learn to cope up with the pain?" < When was the last time you killed a patient?>
"You can't do regular activities now, no kickboxing,no gym" <alright.. when you prescribing me a ride on wheel chair?
"Do your exercise. If you wanna join salsa, let me know your location beforehand. I'll be there to attend to you" <and he winks> <should probably gauge out your eye. Permanent wink will suit your face you moron>

Guess the moron does have a point. Probably I shouldn't gym anymore. Bit of weight is better than no back!

One more year,a lot more extra pounds and more pain later.

"You have a pathological disability" <Whaa?? Sorry I don't wanna speak or hear negative.. but what the hell was that?>
"You are fine. It's something you have to live with" < Hmm.. I wish the same to your wife you A$$#^!*>
"Have you put on weight? Not good for your back" <Why don't you look down on your pregnant belly doctor!PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH!>
"Come back to me when you think you need a surgery" <oh no no no.. don't cry don't cry... tears please stop>

Alright, I am disabled. I can't have a normal life anymore. He's right after all. Anything is better than going under a knife! My life is screwed! I can't lift weights, I can't dance.Hell, I can’t even travel in an auto! I'll live with it I guess.

  

18/07/2011,after a bumpy auto ride, salsa, jogging and suryanamskar

Oh my god!!! I can’t walk!! This pain is excruciating! Can I please replace my back!!!

Time for a serious conversation with I, me and myself.

I: I told you not to go back to your old ways!!

Me : Well, you asked her not to live! I told you not to exert! If only you had taken care..

Myself: <laughs> All the while I thought I was one person who actually had a spine!

I: You do! But its not strong enough. You can’t live normally anymore.

Me: You just need to take it easy. Monitor your activities.

Myself : I don’t want to! I wanna do whatever I wanna do. I wanna redeem my life. I just have one life. Can’t live with the regret!

I: The Doc says you can’t be back to normal.

Me: It would help if you listened to him.

Myself: Listen to someone who claims to know me better than I do? Bollocks! I am gonna take things in my control.

I: It’s gonna be painful.

Me: You need to be prepared for the worst.

Myself: There is nothing that can’t be repaired, no moment that cannot be lived, no pain that cannot be conquered. It’s time I thanked the devil for my new mantra “NO PAIN”.

The worst of challenges that we face in life are not due to external factors. It’s the challenges that lie within you, which pose a mountain of difficulties for you to climb and conquer. External factors are almost always never in your control. As easy as it is to blame them, it is utterly useless! Factors that are in your control are within yourself. Controlling them is the toughest part as that would mean holding yourself responsible for your own actions. (after all its always easier to blame others!!!)Dealing with a regret that you would've been something which you are currently not, only because you gave up, is the worst feeling ever. 

Usually, when you are deep in your problems, you can be sure that you are the closest to the solution. So remember, when ever you encounter a problem, don't forget to add a "NO" in front of it!

Confessions of an alcoholic!

One thing that has fascinated me ever since I was a child was being unique. Always grew up thinking I was meant to be different. While other kids aspired of becoming a doctor or a teacher, I wanted to be popular! While they made their parents dance to their tunes, I wanted to be a mother of two!

What started off as an innocent longing, in time, turned into the sole aim. Being different from the crowd did not necessarily make me the cream of the lot. Sometimes I was perceived to be like the particles that trickle down and settle at the bottom of the glass. As said, its not what happens to you that counts, but the way you react to it. A lie, when repeated hundred times becomes the truth.Human brain is very gullible. It believes what you repeatedly say to it. Hence, started the downfall. Particle at the bottom of the glass, remained there coz there was no where else it could go! What I didn't see was that I had hit the rock-bottom! The only way was upwards! But it was my blind spot now.

Upsurge of fears and the feeling of "wanting to be different but not being so" were eating me up alive. Tried to convince myself that I was indeed different. But the very thought of it made me laugh! I was a person caught  in the herd mentality, running the same rat race as a million others! How could I consider myself different from them? Doing the same old conventional stuff day in and day out, I was still under the impression that I was "unconventional"!

My dream of being different had been squashed by my actions. The most I could do now, was complain about everything my life had become and convince myself (and the world) I was stuck in a wrong life. The very life I had chosen, as I succumbed to my fear was eating me up, one cell at a time. "I am confused!", "I don't know what I want from life" became my patented dialogues. In course of time, it became "I don't know what I want but I am still in search of it" (sounded more cooler!!) All through out I was missing out on TODAY. I was afraid to like the mundane activities, coz it would then make me like every other person. How will I be different if I begin to like it?, I would think.

Time passed. I am still in the race. The only difference being, the "commoners" have overtaken me. I am still where I started. Pretending to figure out which path I should take, I am still at the start line. Fear of not being able to come back had stopped me from not moving ahead.

As I contemplate my life, on a rainy saturday evening, I wonder - Do I really not like what I do for living? Isn't my life fun? If yes, then why do I think otherwise? Keeping aside the fact that there are millions doing the same stuff as me, am I not good at what I do? Should the fact that the competition is fierce, make me wash my hands off everything? Why is it that I can't be unconventionally conventional and be happy about it? Every one has a specific role to play in the world - why can't I play mine to perfection?


What I failed to realize all the while, is its not the "different" things you do in life that matter the most. It's only when you make something "different", something significant out of your daily mundane life is when you can claim of taking the bull by its horns!

P.S : By product of a bad hangover on a budding alcoholic!