Je ne peux

" I wanna open a beauty parlor when I grow up!! " My eyes gleamed, as I ran the comb through my Ma's hair.
"Silly kid" they said. "Do you really think you can? "
I continued to display my talent in return of minimal or no acknowledgement. I couldn't care less. I was happy and I had only myself to please. I lived in my world, a world of infinite possibilities. A world where "what I am", "what I wanna be"  and "what I can be" are one single entity.

Few years later..

"I wanna be a doctor!"

"Silly kid" they said. "Do you really think you can ? "

"I think I can!!" <wonder> or can I? But why do they think I can't? <shrug> 

Guess there are only finite possibilities in my world. A world where "what I am" and "what I can be" are different from "what I wanna be". Must be true. They can't be lying.

This was the first time I encountered Mr Doubt. And little did I know, this was just the beginning.

Few years later..


"I wanna be an astronaut!!" 
"Silly kid" they said."Do you really think you can? "
"Probably not.. but i could give it a shot.." <sigh> <wonder> why waste time.. they anyways think I can't!
Now my world has restricted number of possibilities -"what I am" is definitely not "what I can be" and "what I wanna be" is long lost.
I am now "comforted" by Mr Doubts better half, Mrs Fear. "Don't worry" she says, "You are not alone. We're with you. By the way lemme introduce you to our son, Failure."


Few years (and a lot of wasted options) later..
"Silly kid" they said."Do you really think you can? "
"They are still not happy" <wonder> I haven't done anything they didn't think I should do!! Why am I still alone? Why are they not with me? <tears> My world was shattered.


What had changed? My world.
Who changed it? They did.
Did they change? <silence> They didn't accept me then, they don't accept me now. They hadn't changed.


What is it about us, which craves for love and acceptance from the whole world but from the one person it matters the most. How can we listen to the entire world whilst turning a deaf ear to our heart? What makes "others" opinion about us sacred? What makes us walk dead?
About time we head home. Home is where the heart is.. a place from where we started, a place where heart ruled, a place where we mattered for who we are.. A place where they ask me "Do you really think you can ? " and i reply "YES, I CAN"