Vivant pour le moment

I lie on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, blinking only to indicate that my soul is still within my body. Many pair of eyes look down at me – some curious to know my fate and the rest waiting for their predictions of my fate to come true. I recognize all of them. The doctors, the nurses, the attendants, who were God sent! But not one known face my heart yearned to see, was around.

<FLASHBACK>

Year : 1990

Venue : Karate class

Master : 10 sets of blah blah, 10 reps each. Top it up with 3 rounds of the ground. MAKE IT QUICK!

Me : <collects the jaw which dropped 4 feet down> Yes Sir. < if only he could do the same.. always easier to boss over people.. aaarghhh>

After 25 minutes,

Me : <huff.. puff..> < Damn it.. 10 more steps.. Almost there.. phew.. MADE IT!> Sir, task completed.

Master : Completed? Completed? COMPLETED? You took double the time and look like shit. You have the audacity to say completed? Get back there – 10 more rounds. And you guys, get back inside. Lets start the class.

Irritants : Yes sir. <move their shapely athletic bodies indoors>

Master:  <looks at me> 10 more rounds I said..NOW!

Me : <sigh>

That night, I lie on my end, staring into the starry sky. Alright! This is it! Can’t take this right now. I am gonna have to quit. I can always resume once I am ready for this. But not now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

YEAR 1995:

Venue: Music class

Irritants : Ma’am!! We can’t hear her voice!! It’s lost in the group!!

Ma’am : <beckons the other girls to stop> Yes child. Could you please sing blah blah for me?

Me: <curses.. why me?? > Yes ma’am. <take a deep breath.. ehh.. voice.. voice.. where are you?> <pause> <vocal chords finally function>

Ma’am : No no NO! It’s like this.. <and she sings> <shrill noise tears my eardrums>

Irritants : <look of appreciation>

I encountered giggling eyes for the first time. How can people laugh at me? How can I learn with them? I can always get a better teacher and an even better class when I am ready for this. But not now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

Year: 2000

Venue: Open well

Uncle: I am not gonna let you drown! Move your legs, push the water using your hands and blah blah.

Me: <desperately clinging on to the side of the well, spitting out water> Alright. This is it. I’ve to let go. <help help.. I am drowing!!>

Uncle: Yes! That’s it. Go on!

I open my mouth to cry for help. Water helps itself inside. Okie.. I am gonna drown, succumb to a mad man’s fantasy!

Me: <Oh my God!! Something’s wound around my leg.. Is it a snake? Of course it’s a snake!! Its an open well remember you idiot?  >  <spits water out> HELP!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!

Irritants: <flapping their precious little limbs in water and effortlessly floating around me!>

Gosh! This is suicide! I can’t learn to swim this way! Not with bloody hooligans around me! Actually, I do not need to learn swimming. I would be rescued by some strong pair of arms in case I were to drown! <dreams> Alright. So I don’t need to do it now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

Year: 2005

Venue : College

My heart beat rising when I see him. The college stud has more girls hovering over him than flies over sweets! I was in a dilemma. Should I or should I not? What if he shoots me down? Why will he like me?  Even worse, what if he “sympathy” likes me? AArrgghh..

Dream boy : Hey beautiful! How you doing?

Irritant: <blushes>

BAAAANNGG.. <heart breaks>

Dream boy: Game for some coffee and blah blah?

Irritant: Sure!

Me: <atleast she should’ve cleared the drool!>

Alright! I got bummed down even before I took a step. Guess I am not there yet. Surely there will be a time when I will be desired. It’ll take time. It can’t happen right now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

Year: 2010

Venue: Home

Familia: We need to talk. Blah blah

Me: Later. I am busy.

Familia: Why don’t you spend time with us?

Me: I most definitely will. You’re my family. But give me sometime please. I am preoccupied.

Familia: Alright. We can’t take this anymore. You’ve to choose – your work or us.

Me: Look. This is a big deal. Any other time, I would have chosen you. But right now….

I am sure they’ll come back once they realize how their behavior is totally uncalled for! I’ve other important things to cater to. I can always lure them back anytime I want. But not now. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

<Back to present>

Each breath I take is more painful than the previous one. A pain caused by my indifference to the “right time”. As I was staring into face of death, I asked myself “How can this be? This was not meant to happen now! NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME.”

Suddenly I heard a voice. “This is time. Never right or wrong. Just plain simple time.”

I was scared. Had my body finally perished?

Voice went on “ I am time. I wait for no one. People call me money. They say its all about me. They say I am never on their side. They race against me. But I am bigger than everything and everyone. I AM LIFE. I belong to them, who value me.”

Truth of my life was staring me in my face. My whole life was like a motion picture. All through my life I had been scared of the “blah blah”. Now thinking of it, “blah blah” doesn’t even make any sense! And I was scared of something so senseless and baseless all my life!

Every time a challenge was put it front of me, what did I do? Watched intently as the “irritants” successfully completed it before me. Then made excuses as to why I can’t or why I shouldn’t take it up! Who were these irritants? Were they even for real? What made them seem bigger than they were? My fear fueled them.

Over time the fear converted to inability and inability, to a reason. The reason found words - NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME. And I QUIT.

As I count my last few breaths, I think of things I could’ve done, things I should’ve done – followed my dreams, did things people termed “silly” or “difficult” or “insane”. I crave for that special touch. But I have no one. For they were long gone, long lost in time. Time didn’t wait for me, nor did they.

How many times have we lost out on things we could have done, things we should have done, things that required to get done just coz we got lazy, scared or disheartened to make that “one” attempt, give it “one more shot”.

Voice was right. There was no right time. Had I spared sometime to listen to this voice earlier, I would probably be  singing the sweet song of life, fought my offenders, swam against those menacing waves to bring myself back to safety of the shore. If not any of these, I would’ve at least been spending my life in arms of the man I loved, surrounded by people who loved me…I close my eyes, for the last time. Time's run out. So has life..

P.S : The most precious time of life is always, RIGHT HERE.. RIGHT NOW. Live life every single moment.. that's the only way you'll find yourself some day...